I have so many questions about things that a year ago i simply accepted. over the past few months, I have begun questions everything. I believe questioning is a good thing, and i believe it is necessary - but it is also very frightening.
Questioning for me involves looking at everything i have ever believed and analyzing it, and challenging it with scripture or talking the God about it.
A lot of the questions are of basic things that i never analyzed why i believed what i believe - questions that i wont put on here, because most of you would be appalled to see what i am questioning -
But i would much rather question than accept without reason or thought.
This process hasn't been easy at all, and i am still in the midst of it. It has been a hard road thus far, and i believe the Lord has just begun his work in me.
I look forward with hope of a better tomorrow, with hope that someday i will know that i have been found, that I will find myself in Him, and that his strength will surround me and engulf me.
There is a lot of change going on in my life right now, and a lot more to come in the next year. It is scary, but it is good.
Sometimes i wonder if i am moving too fast, growing up too fast, so fast that i am missing life.
But then i look back and see that growing up, this is all that i wanted - and here i am.
So, should i take hold of this and thrive? or should i slow down?
So many questions, so many insecurities.
I was looking over some old things today and i came across a quote from one of my favorite books:
"Love the Lord your God, and love one another. Love one another as he loves. Love with strength and purpose and passion and no matter what comes against you. Don't Weaken. Stand against the darkness, and love. Thats the way back into Eden. Thats the way back into Life." - (Redeeming love by Francine Rivers)
This just reminded me that all my life, the one thing that i always knew, was that the Lord loves me. But the one thing i had to choose each day to do was to love him, and to love others.
There is nothing that brings me greater joy than loving others. - so why is it so hard to do?
I don't know. I don't know why it has been so hard for me lately.
I have always been a lover - but recently I have just been a sitter.
May the Lord restore his love in me so that I may respond to him and to others in Love. - for to me that is the essence of worship. And may i be strong and fight with love.
I came across another quote from a favorite book of mine and it says this :
" You are beautiful to me... Since i first saw you I have loved you - if only you will allow me to love you." - (White by Ted Dekker)
In the story this is a man saying this to a women - a follower of (Christ) speaking to a woman that he loves, but the woman is lost - unwilling to accept his love for her. She later is broken and freed, and she accepts his love for her.
For me, this is how God and i relate alot - He loves me, and always has - i am beautiful to him... And yet I am blind to his love. I reject it in various ways, i dont allow him to love me.
May his love for me prevail. May I see and accept his Love, and may i love him in return - whatever that my look like.
I need prayer. For me, and for 2 dear to me.
I need to trust: That the Lord is in control and that his plans are far better than mine.
And that Johnny loves me - always.
Also, i need to let go. I need to stop trying to be i control of everything and realize that it is not my place
God has been faithful to me in the past - and i have faith that he will remain faithful - i am simple running low on patience.
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God, I want to know you.
Papa, I long to love you as you love me.
Lord, I want to trust you with my life.
Abba, I want to give everything up to you.
Jesus, I want to believe undeniably in you and all that you do.
Yahweh, I am desperate for you.
May I learn not to fight your hands as you hold me.
vm
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